Friday, June 26, 2009

Amazing Women,,,Holly and Toni and many nore

So before I came to blogland I was not too sure on what to expect or why I even wanted to have a blog....but I thought it could be something for me to do when I was having a bad day and could not physically do anything else.Blogland has been much more for me than I had expected. ,The biggest surprise for me is the wonderful caring, kind, giving, understanding people that I have encountered. For some it has been an instant connection...When I went home when my Dad became ill, I missed my morning visits with everyone. I was so busy I had to put blogland on hold for a little while. When I came back home after the funeral, I was overwhelmed by the kindness that has been shown to me...on the comments, a beautiful letter from Toni and today I came home and I had the most beautiful card made from Holly. The card was so Holly, it was homemade, beautiful and stamped with a rory and fiona stamp look alike, her name was signed, the words were beautiful.I guess I have been so touched that these lovely ladies whom I have never had the pleasure of meeting have touched my heart in a way that I can not describe. They were both so thoughtful, the people in their lives are truly blessed. they and others have been my pillars of strength. I Have been holding back my feelings about my Dad, but find I cry about the weirdest things. Example my husband came home with a chocolate homemade pie. In ten years he has never come home with a chocolate pie, I looked at it burst into tears and said This is Dads favorite why that would set me off I just don't know....Today when I opened Hollys card I had myself a cry, a good cry...I did not feel quite alone as i did earlier in the day...I find I laugh with you, care for you, want health issues to be okay, want you to get jobs, i learn new words like conker, watch your artistic talents be it writing, drawing, painting, photograpy and I can relate to you my friends!I have lots of friends here but they sometimes seem so busy, I tend to put up wall that oh no I am just fine! not tonight, I miss him horribly, we all do, we are all grieving in different ways. Almost a month has gone by and I can't seem to shake that he was right here just a while ago...I have not had many people in my life die. I sure hope I get a grip on these emotions soon or someone is gonna think .....well cinner finally lost it!!!And then I think big fn deal, I can if I need to right....My dad would want us all to be so strong.... Most days I am, but sometimes at night all I see is them doing cpr on him and he was just purple and there was nothing we could do, and it just hit me now...for a control freak I guess I did not do such a good job controlling the situation did I???? Everyone says it gets easier....does anyone know when....Isn't pleasant reading my posts....really makes you want to come back for more....Sorry, better get some sleep...Thankyou all for your kindness. Big Hug to Toni and Holly and Beth cause I was so happy for her today. Goodnight all.


  1. Dear beautiful Cinner... first up a big loving hug for you.
    It's totally okay to be feeling sad. No one would expect you to be feeling any other way. When a loved one dies and especially a parent a river of emotions flow and that is to be expected.
    Be kind to yourself and trust that you won't always feel sad, but when you do that's okay too, because it is sad to say goodbye to the ones we love.
    Carry your Dad in your heart and try not to feel burdened by your feelings. Time heals all wounds when we are kind to ourselves.
    Thinking of you...
    Big love to you xx Ribbon

    PS isn't Holly the best :-)

  2. Hello ,
    I stumbled your way via the den of spotted wolf and read your lovely words here.
    I nodded in agreement and I felt also your pain..its been ten years since my dear old dad passed away and I can honestly say you are doing ok..Its like that , you lost your father, no wonder you are feeling like you are on a wave of emotion, and a tempest sometimes also.
    As for being strong, I firmly believe we are our most strong when we are our most messy, in other words the depth of it is real for you..
    and don't think you have to be all tough and together..Going with how you feel and having a good cry will help you later when you are in those beautiful moments of stillness..when you are remembering him and sharing that with your loved ones..
    I cried but my older sisters and brother did not, and as far as I know they are still locked down on that. I agree about blogging it can be a wonderful connection, I have had a negative experience lately at another site but have come here ( to blogger) and settled at last, having not given up on those who use the Web to connect and support from the heart. I will think of you and be back to see how you are doing. Take care.

  3. Cinner:
    I am glad my card reached you and that you like it. It was the only way I could reach out and touch you so you would have a real time sense of how much everyone understands your loss and wants to sit with you while you grieve through it.

    When your father wants you to be strong...that doesn't mean not feeling. It means living through the feelings, carrying on with your life even though so very sad. And, in this regard, your father is very proud of his daughter, for that's exactly what you are doing! Brava, Cinner, Brava...

    You will never not miss him. You will never get over the feeling that you said so well, about the shock of one minute he was there and then he simply wasn't.

    I can still sense that about my father all these years later, but not with the raw newness that you have now.

    What you will sense has your sadness abaits, is a shift in how you see your shifts from the shock of this lack of him, to your constant communication with him and your memories of living with him.

    You'll eventually only sit in the moments he was here with you, instead of these harsh last few minutes of his leaving.

    In the end, when we truly care to honor the love and life we received from another, we must concentrate on the gift of their life, not the last few moments of harshness when they had to leave.

    And, because you honor your Father, I promise, it will be that way for you. I know it. Because I have walked this road and I know it. Love to you this day. Cry as much as you want...cry till it's time to feel something else and then feel that completely, too.

  4. Ribbon, Thankyou for your kind words, and thankyou for being there for me, for so many of us...Your a keeper! Cinner

    Spiral Dancer, Welcome and for sharing about your father...sometimes we are the strongest when we are the most messy...That made sense to me. I want to be in those beautiful moments of stillness and sometimes i am...It is all apart of life I know that.See you again, cinner

    Holly, thankyou so much for the card, I loved it. Thankyou for talking about what you have gone through, it is good to know that it will get easier...cry as much as you want, cry till it's time to feel something else and then feel that completely too....There is always so much power in your words. Love you Queen of the Universe...know I mean it. Cinner

  5. It would be so more sad if you didn't "feel"... & it will take as long as it takes & everyone reacts in their own way... so cry & share away... loads of love hunny x

  6. honey - it takes time and no one here has you on a timetable. I certainly don't expect you to be all razzle dazzle this soon. so, you take care of you and we'll be here. it's all good. xo

  7. I'm stopping by JB's on the way home to get a chocolate silk pie and enjoy it in your Dad's honor. Strength IS 'losing it' -- strength is being able to express emotions, whatever they are and particularly when they're genuine and help you a) show love and b) heal. I just wrote a letter to someone and said I think the circle of women who have drawn close to me on/thru blogs are all the perfect balances of each other -- we give each other what's needed AND wanted -- I know I'm never leaving. I'm also really happy to see someone of the MALE persuasion such as Spotted Wolf really get in here and participate -- I don't think the circle can possibly be complete without our men: husbands, sons, brothers, friends, DADS ... I love you, C-Woman!

  8. I gotta tell ya always sucks. To this day if the phone rings early on a Sunday morning I think it's my Mom until I wake all the way up...and it's been almost 13 years

    It's the grief that eventually loosens up (in my experience) but missing them never does.

    I love you lady jane....treat yourself well right now, it's more important than ever.

  9. Cinner...first I'm sorry about your loss of your Dad my heart goes out to you on so many levels. Time is a beautiful gives you time to reflect, time to heal, time to remember whether you cry with that memory or not. When we love someone that love never leaves your soul. May your Dad's footprints stay with you always Cinner..that is how I remember the loved ones I have lost in my life. Reflecting on the wonderful things that they left behind in my heart.

  10. Suzi, your right it would be if I did not feel, thankyou for your kindness, cinner

    Char, great I don't have a razzle dazzle in me,and your right who says their is a did ya get so smart?

    I love you too Toni...I hope you did get the chocolate pie. I am glad your not leavin and yes spotted Wolf is pretty cool. I asked him about a few things and he was bang on. He made me cry too...of course good tears...I swear a bee buzzing by could make me cry. LOL.

    Neener, love you, thanks for all you do and have done for me over the years. You are the bestest of friends. i will call you soon.

    Nature as is. Thankyou...Time is a good thing, in 2 days it will be a month but it just seems like yesterday. Thankyou so much I did have a better day today.

    thankyou everyone for all the support you have given me. I am truly blessed to have you all in my life....Cinner

  11. oh sweetie...
    you are being cyber hugged like never before...can you feel the love ?
    we are all here for you...we are a girl tribe of blogging sisters and it just doesn't get much better than this !!


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