Wednesday, January 30, 2013

A Moment of Truth.....

I sat on my bed sorting through my medications,
filling my morning, afternoon and evening requirements.
The necessities for me to be able to stand without falling,
to be able to be awake for about 3 hours at a time.
While sorting I could not help but think I just want to throw
them all out, that maybe I could just wave a magic wand
and be my old self again.....Why am I even thinking like this,
I know I am lucky to have the medicine, and to have
the information to understand the situation.
I read other blogs and their struggles with life
threatening illnesses and their courage and strength,
and I know I have that within me,
but for right now I feel as if I just want to scream
as I sort through the rainbow of colors,
blue, yellow, purple, green, white,
round ones, square, oval,
I throw them against the wall,
and the tears roll down my face,
feeling guilty that I am having a moment,
writing about it rather than saying
I am just fine.
My husband comes to the room and holds me.
He lets me cry until I feel silly that I am being such a baby,
We talk about it and he makes me laugh,
and somehow I feel stronger,
nothing like a good cry 
and then I pull myself up by my bootstraps,
and we face the world together
knowing how lucky and truly blessed we are!
Until next time,
Cinner

20 comments:

  1. good on hubby for holding you and letting you cry...sometimes that is just what we need to let a bit of it out...and i love you attitude of still being blessed regardless...

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    1. Thanks Brian, I do have a great husband to help me out of a funk so to speak. Today is a new day again. I always know how blessed I am, all I have to do is look around me to know that. thanks for your kind words. smiles.

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  2. It's better to express true feelings than to hold them in, isn't it? I hope you have a better day today!

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    1. Thanks Deb, today seems like a much better day. I always feel better after a good cry. I might even accomplish a few things around here today. thanks for your kind words.

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  3. strength is in being what you have to be....real. None of us can live a lie and truly life life, we all have to be authentic in order to get on down the road. You are blessed to have a husband who supports and tries to understand "your journey" and take some of it onto himself because he loves you.
    And a good cry or rant sometimes clears it out enough to be able to do what is necessary. Don't be hard on yourself. Be proud that you are strong enough to share this. Remember someone else might just need to have read your story today to be able to be...............
    Oma Linda

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    1. How did you get so smart, I just remembered you and the voodoo doll where you did not poke pins in it and you made me smile today. I guess maybe I can be too hard on myself. You have wise words written here for me. I truly appreciate you dear friend.

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  4. Hello love - beautiful post - so true and heartfelt. I understand and adore you. "Thank you" for keeping it real and hopeful and true.
    Love you girl
    Gail
    peace.....
    "hey"

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    1. Hi Gail, I know you understand dear heart. I hope you have been feeling well lately. I love you too.hey!

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  5. This is not a moment of weakness but of strength. That you release some of the pain and hardship, so you can pick yourself back up and continue to move forward.
    Be gentle with your strong self, Lovely Cinner.

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    1. Kim thank you for your kind words, just getting your encouraging words help me to move forward. I hope you have been well and again thank you for your wisdom. hugs.

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  6. That sounds like just the right thing to do... its real and authentic and its how we figure out how to keep going :) Thank goodness for the kindness and strength of your hubby and an indomitable spirit that you have Cinner that warms me so and helps keep me going too! Hugs sweet one!

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    1. Vicky thank you for visiting. My hubby is a good man. One of the reason I married him was how he treated his parents. they were so kind to one another. I was lucky to have known his father for a short time, he was a very kind and loving man and it passed down to 5 boys . They all are very respectful of woman. You know Vicki I never think that my spirit could possibly make a difference for someone, so thank you for that. We can be strength for each other when we need to be, Thank you for your kind and warm heart my friend. sending you a hug.

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  7. I too have the variety of colors I have to keep me regulated morning and night...it can creep up on you and make you feel so dependent! So I can understand a small part of what you must go through each day!
    I am so glad that I have had this opportunity to get to know you better...so take those multi=colored assets and keep on trucking. So will I! We have each other, wonderful husbands and all of the blogging community rooting us on!
    Love you girl
    Hugs
    SueAnn

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    1. Keep on trucking, that made me laugh, Those variety of colors can definately make one feel so dependent. You know I had not been around blogland much, was kind of feeling alone, with friends like you and the other that have commented have made me realize that I am not alone, and I don't have to go through this some days being afraid to say that I had a rough day. Love you too. So wish we lived closer, maybe we will meet one day...you just never know... Thanks my kind friend.

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  8. Oh Cindy...I have days like this too but they don't last. Things change...Hope returns...and faith...and peace. I've been so caught up int things I've neglected coming around but know this...I'm in your corner...believing for your best. tons of hugs special bud.....take it one shaky step at a time....I'm doing that too.

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    1. Sarah, thank you. the last couple of days have been much better and knowing that there are people whom understand and are in my corner has really been helpful.....hugs dear Sarah.

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  9. Cinner, sometimes you need to let all those feelings out. So you can start the next day fresh and renewed.

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    1. Hi Shell, yes and you know Shell that is exactly what has happened. It felt good to get this off my chest, and that it is okay to have these moments. send ing you a big hug.

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  10. Hi Cinner, Sometimes a good old fashioned cry is the best medicine. Blessing to you and your hubby.
    xoxo jj

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    1. Joanna that is for sure, sometimes I think I don;t cry enough, maybe four times a year. I am definately feeling better now though. Thank you for your kind words. Hugs.

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